So, it’s smear test time again. I got a letter through the post about it last week. And shuddered.
The last time I went, I was home from New York for a week. I went to a perfectly nice lady doctor near my hotel, who wanted to talk about yoga in Manhattan.
I took my pants off and felt a little slutty about it. What kind of a world do we live in that taking your pants off in the doctor’s feels a bit slutty? I’ve since learned that this is called Donald Ducking (aka pantslessness).
She whipped out the contraption. The length of this thing would make you whimper. That is NOT gonna fit all the way up there, I thought, but of course it does because turns out your cervix/uterus/the whole deal is ginormous, which maybe partly explains the agony of periods. (about 450 periods in your life, guys, think of all that pain!)
I put my bare ass on the crinkly paper sheet - my bare ass that I’d hope to be parading around this lovely (well, actually not so lovely as it turns out but that’s neither here nor there!) gentleman. But instead, the only action I'll see this scary lookin’ probe.
The perfectly pleasant doctor gets down to business. It hurt a bit, but not a lot. Like when you’re cleaning your ears with those ear bud things and you accidentally go too far in and touch your brain and yelp a little bit like a dog who is in pain yes, but also just CAN’T BELIEVE THAT YOU DID THAT TO ME, I THOUGHT YOU WERE NICE. That kind of bewildered indigence.
“Oh your period’s coming,” she said, like Magellan spotting land for the first time. “Oh yay”, I thought, “look forward to that.” She pulled the thing out, stuck it in a tube and off we went.
Afterwards, I go meet the aforementioned gentleman for tea and a seedy bun (as in a bun with seeds). Of course, I tell him everything. His face recoils, as if there’s a bad smell. Dudes rarely want to think about anything south of the border, unless there’s something in it for them.
P.S. Also, obviously, go for your smear test. It’s maybe not be the most fun but it’s important and (in Ireland at least) it’s free.